LOLgasmic123

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

Wise words

Today, my five year-old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

Groucho

Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by. The attackers used water guns. FML

Congratulations

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

Blocking time

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

What what?

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML

Today, I got into my car after a long shift at work. When I looked in my rear view mirror, a horrifyingly evil face grinned at me from the back window. I leaped out of the car, only to be chased around by two people in clown masks. It turned out to be a prank set up by my co-workers. FML

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

Today, I had Botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

WTF dude?

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

Today, I was using the bathroom and checking Facebook on my phone. As I'm checking my newsfeed, I noticed a new photo upload by my brother. I guess I forgot to properly shut the door to the bathroom, because it's me on the toilet. FML

Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML

Cheap and gross

Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML

Today, while working at my local supermarket, a customer threw a turkey at me because we "should have bigger ones." FML

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML