knightofdarkness

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

Assumption

Today, my friend asked me how I did on my test. I got an 85%. She asked me what my secret was, and I said, "I'm just smart." She replied, "No you're not. How did you pull it off?" FML

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

Yeetus

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML

Dude, what the…?

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

Panic!

Today, I was driving when I saw a spider hanging from the ceiling of my car. I'm terrified of spiders, so I was watching it instead the road. When I looked back at the road, I had just enough time to swerve to miss the fire hydrant but not the tree. Even the cops laughed at me. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again, saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

Today, while pensively thinking up my next awesome Facebook status over dinner, I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get a life. FML

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

Brain fart

Today, I spent fifteen minutes looking for my phone in my car before I realized I was using it as a flashlight. FML

The ending of Lost explained

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found him under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

Today, I was verbally abused by a guy in a 4-wheel-drive twat-tank for listening to music on my iPod while I was "blocking the way." I was standing on the footpath waiting for a bus. At a bus stop. FML

Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

Today, my parents grounded me for finding their stash of weed. The irony is killing me right now. FML

Today, after being upset at the fact that my phone was stolen at work, I received a note on my locker saying, "100 bucks and you get the phone back." My phone is being held for ransom. FML

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML

**** off

Today, I went out of my way to avoid street preachers thrusting hateful propaganda at me. A young woman ran up to me and started waving paper in my face, and I snapped at her to fuck off. Right afterwards I realised she was returning something that fell out of my pocket. She looked terrified. FML

Today, I casually mentioned to my dad that it was the Chinese New Year yesterday. He accused me of insulting his intelligence by "making stupid shit up." I explained that it's real, and that we just use the Gregorian calendar, hence the different dates. He responded by grounding me. FML

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

Today, for the third time this week, a telemarketer called me. Seriously annoyed, I told him in German that I don't speak English, in an attempt to get rid of him. He then started delivering his product pitch in German. FML

Today, I beat my extremely competitive friend in a game of pool. He responded by breaking a pool stick over my head. FML