knightofdarkness

Today, while volunteering at my local animal shelter, I was asked to clean the cat room. This entailed taking each cat out of its cage by hand and cleaning the inside. They forgot to mention that some of the cats were feral. I now look like I belly flopped into a cactus. FML

Awks

Today, while driving to work, I stopped to let an old man cross the street. The driver behind me honked their horn, so I drove slow to piss them off. A few turns later, I pulled into the car park and noticed the other driver following me. She works in the office next to mine. We met the other day. FML

Priorities

Today, an hour into a family road trip, my mother informed me that she didn't put my suitcase in the car because it "didn't fit". FML

Today, I walked outside to see my dog killing my cat. My spouse tried to cheer me up - "Hey, at least we don't have to buy cat food anymore!" FML

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

Today, my satan-spawn of a step-son proudly showed that he can pee accurately while standing up. I'd be less livid if he hadn't pissed on me while I was asleep in bed. FML

Good one, thanks

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

Today, I was at the gym playing basketball. A very attractive girl chose me to be on her team. We were playing well and hitting it off. I had decided to ask for her number after the game, until I smashed the ball in her face, resulting in her having a broken nose. FML

Today, I told my son about wet dreams, what they are and how they are normal. Afterwards, he exclaimed, "It's kinda like when I beat off, except I'm asleep! Awesome!" FML

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

Today, a bunch of friends and I went skinny dipping in a pond. The guys all grabbed the ladies' underpants and waved then around. My bloody pad was inside of one of them. FML

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

Teamwork

Today, I was asked to cover work for someone because they have volleyball practice. Apparently, they haven't noticed that we've been on the same team for two years. FML

Today, my local USPS delivery man refused to deliver any more packages to my house, because in the past, my dogs have barked at him and he feels threatened. He also filed a complaint about our house because apparently my driveway has branches that, to him, are considered "hazardous." FML

Today, I got a ticket for "suspicious driving" because my total shit of a mother kept tugging on the wheel to annoy me, and I still had to pay it. FML

Today, I went to a high school reunion. An old friend I hadn't seen in a while suddenly came up to me and gasped, "Oh, thank God!" I was about to greet her and catch up when she added, "I'm not the only one who gained weight!" FML

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

Today, at work, a customer told me how unprofessional my piercing made me look, and insisted that someone else wait on his table. It's not a piercing, it's a mole. FML

Today, my boss made me type up my own written warning, where I had to trash myself and describe my own "shocking incompetence". All the department heads are going to receive a copy of this. FML

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

Today, I discovered that the five-star meal that my friend treated me to last night was actually meant to be repayment of the $200 I loaned her last month. I needed that money for bills and she refuses to give me another cent. FML

Today, I had to take a drugs test at work. Later, I found out it was my fiancé's mother who called our hotline. Her reason: I work till 6 pm, her "baby" should eat before that, but he can't cook, so I should quit my job. He is 35. And he thinks I should apologize for upsetting her at dinner. FML

Whirlybird special

Today, I discovered that I am just tall enough and my hair is just long enough, to get caught in the ceiling fan if I flip it over to dry it. FML

Today, a customer approached me, smiling and asked what kind of cheese was in our cheddar cheese balls. Thinking he was joking, I laughed and said "swiss." He ordered, found they were indeed cheddar cheese, and reported me. FML

Today, I was attacked by a duck. I thought I was higher on the food chain than that. FML

Childfree

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML