Mademoiselle Springville , United States 28 ans En couple
Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML
Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML
Today, I found out that my "I don't believe in pre-marital sex" boyfriend is the father of my younger sister's newborn baby. After four years of being in a serious, but sexless, relationship, I am now single, horny, and an aunt. FML
Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML
Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
Today, my best friend, with whom I have been in love for years, kissed me, hugged me, held my hand, hooked up with me and told me that he loved me more than anything and wanted to be with me... until he sobered up and his girlfriend got back to town. FML
Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML
Today, at work, a customer left their cell phone behind. I tried to see if there were any pictures so that I could identify them. No, I still don't know what they look like, but I have seen their penis. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML
Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML
Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML
Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML
Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML
Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy who seemed to be quite the gentleman. I was proven wrong when he told me to "shut it" during dinner, stiffed me on the bill, and then left me at the restaurant so he could get his own taxi home. FML
Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML
Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML
Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML
Today, I was given a new nickname at work due to my boss always confusing me with one of my co-workers who is taller than me. Someone suggested he just call us the same name to make it simpler, and the tall one would be big and the short one little. Everyone at my job now calls me Little Dick. FML
Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML
Today, my five year-old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML
Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML
Today, my father spent half an hour trying to convert my cat to Christianity. He has already done this with my other two cats. He's completely serious and thinks they are born-again Christians. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, I was in a pool locker room, surrounded by semi-naked people. While changing into my clothes, I accidentally pushed a button on my phone, causing it to make the loud, unmistakable camera shutter sound effect. Everyone definitely heard it. FML
Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on the lips. Normally, I would have enjoyed it, if the lips in question were the ones on my face. FML
Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML
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