Caracas 31 ans Célibataire
Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML
Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML
Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML
Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML
Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML
Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML
Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML
Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML
Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in The Bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML
Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML
Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into trouble with his mother for me still being at their house at 1:00 am. I'm 24, he's 22 and we really were studying. FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I had been hiding the ring in the sock drawer. When I went to retrieve it, the ring was gone and in its place was a sticky note that said "NO." FML
Today, after returning to the UK from my Australian holiday, I was fired from my job for no reason. My boss told me he'd waited till I'd returned to do it. I could have stayed in Australia with my mates traveling for a year if I had been fired before I left. I'm sure he did it on purpose. FML
Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML
Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML
Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via the medium of free-style rapping. FML
Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML
Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML
Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phones at the table rule" and took my phone away until I could learn "proper table manners." FML
Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes; mine said no. FML
Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML
Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML
Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML
Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML
Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML
Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML
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