Raelthelamb

Overcooked

Today, I realized that you should never teach your 6 year-old child how to use the microwave, unless you want to be cleaning melted pet fish for about half an hour. FML

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

Today, I had a mental breakdown after going through severe depression for several years. I told my boyfriend that everybody thinks I'm useless, to which he replied, "No you're not. You cook me good dinners." FML

Today, while babysitting, the little boy explained to me why I was single, reasons such as 'unattractive' and 'not the girlfriend type'. I cried. FML

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

It's not a phase, mom!

Today, my parents made me a steak dinner to celebrate me visiting home from college. I've been a vegetarian for eleven years. This is the third time they've done this. FML

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

Today, I was at my local McDonald's having a leak when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in, pulled down his pants, and started to pee on my shoes. FML

Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them, and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML

Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML

Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML

Today, I watched as a guy hit my car, laugh when he saw me running towards him, and drive away. FML

My eyes! My eyes!

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

Goodbye

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

Today, the shy girl in my class brought a cake to share with everyone, since it's her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "Happy Birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class knew her name, myself included. FML

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

Thanks, guys

Today, I got hit by a car. My friends left me to get to the hospital myself. The cab was double fare. FML

Today, a friend told me over MSN that her father had died. Trying to express some solidarity, I went to send her a tearful smiley. I accidentally sent her the dancing pig animation instead. FML

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

Today, my older brother burst into my bedroom at 4 am to show me photos of sushi. FML

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

Today, as I was driving in reverse, I hit my boyfriend's mom's car. I met her for the first time while giving her my information. FML

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

Broke boy

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

Eyes on the prize

Today, I was taking a really big test in a class that I was failing. It was worth at least 7 grades so I studied my butt off. During the test, a girl with huge breasts sat down next to me and I couldn't stop staring. My test got confiscated because they thought I was cheating. FML