Mademoiselle boaz, America 32 ans
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored, I made a "to do" list for the week in my head. FML
Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML
Today, while having sex, my boyfriend started singing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML
Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML
Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML
Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML
Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML
Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML
Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML
Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, telling him how much I loved him. His answer? "Less lovin' more humpin'." This happens every single time. FML
Today, I learned the hard way that taking a 20 mile bike ride with my boyfriend's family the day after losing my virginity is the worst decision ever. FML
Today, my daughter decided to come out to me by leaving a browser window open with the results page of an online "Are you lesbian?" quiz. FML
Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML
Today, my roommate told me that unscented deodorant prevents ingrown hairs on the bikini line. She shared this beauty tip with me when I caught her using my Lady Speed Stick on her snatch. FML
Today, my boss stopped mid-walk during a conversation about the humidity in our office, after I told him I didn't like the air conditioner on, because I'd rather not be cold and wet, and that I liked it warm and sticky. I knew then he was no longer thinking about the AC. FML
Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML
Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML
Today, I had to utter the phrase "OK, but no cape during sex" to my girlfriend. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML
Today, I found out apparently, I have a weird looking vagina. How? My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He took one look at my vagina and with a look of horror said, "I have never seen one this GROSS." He's a gynecologist and probably sees 20 vaginas a day. FML
Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML
Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML
Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML
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