livyj6

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

Today, my boyfriend lost his temper with me and complained that my "constant" apologies for upsetting him drive him insane, and without thinking, I said I was sorry. He hung up and I haven't heard from him since. FML

We met a lot later!

Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

Family dinner [gone racist]

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

Today, my mother gave me a Christmas present for the first time in 15 years: a dog. Her 16-year-old, untrained, mean dog who wears diapers. FML