Firegirl741

Today, I got in trouble for shooting my paintball gun at a piece of wood, so my dad told me to go wash it. While I was washing it, he shot me several times in the back, yelling, "That's payback for being born." FML

Today, my older brother thinks typing out a Wikipedia article for an essay is not plagiarism, because he didn't "copy and paste" it. He's in college. FML

Wait, what?

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

Sneeeeek!

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

Today, I told my mom that my boyfriend, who I've been living with for a year, and I were moving to another state at the end of the month. I told her in a restaurant, over lunch, where she then just got up and left me there without saying a word. FML

Today, my supervisor was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. It was his wife. FML

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

Moron

Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because, "Wi-Fi’s all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said, "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil Ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML

Today, in thanks for my assistance, a customer recommended me a plastic surgeon who could "really help with that face." FML

Time's up

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

Today, it's my birthday. My grandma posted about it on her Facebook wall, but people got confused and thought it was her birthday instead. She got twice as many birthday wishes as I did, and that's including the ones I got outside of Facebook. FML

Today, my boyfriend went to work instead of going to my father's funeral. He works at home and chooses his own hours. FML

Today, it's either be alone and miserable, or go on shitty dates and be miserable. I have no other options. FML

Freaked out

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group I've being go to after the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were talking with his sister-in-law about a TV show, his 6-year-old nephew walked up just in time to hear how Santa killed the protagonist's parents. I've never seen such a heartbroken face in my life, and now he won't stop asking if Santa kills people. FML

Chain of command

Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML

Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML

Today, I was enjoying some "alone time" with the detachable shower head when someone flushed the toilet, causing the cold water to run out and badly scald my genitals. It hurts to walk. FML

Today, I took a nap on the couch in the family room. My brother thought it would be hilarious to take clear packaging tape and put it on my chapped lips. Then rip it off. FML

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year-old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

Snacc

Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

Sneaky

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

You can't explain that

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explainable stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML

Today, I found a guy getting out of my car with my GPS. He started running and I chased him. We eventually reached a dead end and he gave it back to me. I took it back from him and said, "Sorry..." FML

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML