28 ans Célibataire
Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML
Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML
Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML
Today, while working at McDonald's, a guy asked me to deep fry his salad. FML
Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML
Today, for the second time, I had an argument with my mother about whether William Shakespeare was a real person or not. FML
Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML
Today, I finally went to the doctor's about my severe anxiety. I'm so used to putting on a happy performance around people that she didn't believe anything was wrong with me. FML
Today, my brother wore a T-shirt to my birthday party that said "I dig skinny chicks". I'm a recovering anorexic and told him that I didn't really like his shirt. His response? "Don't let the liberal media brainwash you into thinking it's OK to be fat." FML
Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML
Today, my dad spent 30 minutes incorrectly correcting me about our legal system. He thinks he knows more than me because he's been divorced twice. I'm a lawyer. FML
Today, during an exam, the guy next to me tried to cheat by looking at my test but was caught by the proctor. His defense was that no one would ever cheat off me. The proctor agreed and allowed him to finish the test. FML
Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML
Today, I sent my father a text asking when he was finally coming to meet his 4-month-old granddaughter. His response? "I forgot." He forgot he has a granddaughter. FML
Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to, "Get a life. Or better pick-up lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML
Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML
Today, I found out how much those tiny dogs cost when my German Shepherd ate one. FML
Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML
Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML
Today, as I was closing up at my sandwich-making job when a huge bus full of basic, snobby, preppy cheerleaders came in. They literally "can't even" decide what they want. FML
Today, I was wearing a new tank top that was really cute. I later was talking to an attractive guy and thought he was giggling at me because he thought I was being cute and funny. I then realized he was giggling at the fact that I'd only shaved one armpit. FML
Today, my sister shot my dog with my airsoft gun. When I told my parents, she put on the fakest sobbing I've ever heard, said she didn't even know how to use a gun, and that she saw me shoot my own dog. They believed her and think I need psychiatric help. FML
Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend that she's too good for me, then asking if she really wants to settle for someone like me. FML
Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML
Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML
Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry, and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying, "My body, my rules." FML
Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML
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