ashley53

Get it on

Today, after a great night of sexual ecstacy, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year-old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night, he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML

Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

Today, I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that wasn't mine. I confronted my boyfriend about it. They were his. FML

Vibe check

Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm as she was lying on her back. I asked her, "How do you like that, baby?" She responded by asking where I bought my suspended ceiling and spotlights, as she thought they would look good in her flat. She apparently got bored instead of turned on. FML