Mademoiselle Winston Salem, The United States of America Célibataire
Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML
Today, I was in a store when a child looked at me and said to his mother "look at that tall man!" His mother replied "he's an evil giant isn't he, darling?" I then mimed being an evil giant to make the kid laugh. His mother slapped me. FML
Today, I had to spend £200 at the dentist for fillings and repairs to my teeth. Why do I need them? Because I'm stressed about money and grind my teeth in the night because of it. FML
Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML
Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML
Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML
Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML
Today, I was talking to this boy I really like and we were laughing together, until I got this disgusting putrid smell. I started to say how awful the smell was and he stopped laughing to take a sniff too. As soon as he closed his mouth the smell was gone. FML
Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML
Today, I'm sat at home alone on a Friday night, watching a documentary online about decomposing elephants. FML
Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML
Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML
Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML
Today, I spent an hour photoshopping my face onto super skinny models as inspiration for a diet. FML
Today, in the senior class I teach, I asked my students who had traveled outside of the country, excluding Canada and Mexico. One student raised his hand and proudly stated, "Arizona". He wants to be a doctor. FML
Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML
Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML
Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though. With my cat. FML
Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for my neighbor. Her name is Hope. She'd better "hope" I don't take a dump in her yard. FML
Today, realizing how poor I am, I decided to steal gas. The only place I was brave enough to steal from was my parents' lawn mower. FML
Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML
Today, my mother screamed and swore at me because I said I was looking to move out soon. Apparently, the idea of me moving out at 27 and her getting a job to pay her own way is devastating. FML
Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML
Today, my husband announced that he wants to separate emotionally. Meanwhile, he still wants me to cook and clean for him while he dates his new girlfriend. FML
Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML
Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML
Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML
Today, I tried to trim my dog's nails. After about a half hour of barking, biting, and general freaking out, I gave up and decided to pay someone else to do it. I'm a vet, and do this for a living. FML
Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: + 1. About an hour later, I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: - 200. FML
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