Mademoiselle Somewhere Over The Rainbow, United States Compliqué
Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML
Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML
Today, I can't attend an interview for a great job because I have an exam. An exam I need to pass in order to have a great job like the one I'm missing the interview for. FML
Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML
Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML
Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML
Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML
Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML
Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML
Today, I got flustered because my hair straightener wasn't working. It took me fifteen minutes to realize I hadn't turned it on. FML
Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML
Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML
Today, one of my students corrected the problem I had solved on the board, explaining that you do multiplication before subtraction. I teach the second grade. FML
Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML
Today, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about our communication problems. He fell asleep. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML
Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML
Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML
Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML
Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML
Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML
Today, I learned that my brakes don't work anymore on my bike. When did I learn this? While speeding down a really steep hill. FML
Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML
Today, while I was walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML
Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML
Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML
Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
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