nightbirdblue

Today, I had a group presentation. I kept zipping my jacket up and down nervously. As I waited for my turn, I realized a bunch of classmates staring at me. I forgot that in the morning rush, I only put on a jacket. I only had a bra on underneath. FML

Workplace hell

Today, I was at a "Bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a homeless man. As we left the train he shook my hand and was seemingly on his way. That was until he caught me greeting my boyfriend, to which he decided to tell the romantic story of how he murdered a man for "getting too close to his woman." FML

Today, when I got back to my dorm, I found a trail of ants trying to shove a dead roach into a power outlet. The front desk insists that there is no pest problem. FML

Today, I went to see a therapist for help with my severe fear of spiders. The therapist held a big spider in a box inches away from my face. I ran to the back of the room and asked him why. He responded with, "Aren't therapists supposed to help you face your fears?" I'm paying $150 an hour. FML

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

Today, while working at a daycare, I had to change a kid's diaper. This may seem normal for a daycare worker, but not when it's a 7-year-old kid who is still not potty-trained and shat their pants. FML

Nope, not me

Today, I was showing a new girl around at school. As we were walking through the parking lot she noticed a green jeep and commented, "I heard the person who drives that is a total creep. Is he?" I said I didn't know who it was. It was my car. FML

Today, I woke up to a very unpleasant feeling. Apparently, the tattoo I got on my arm a couple of days ago attracted hundreds of ants during its healing process. They were literally carrying away pieces of my skin. I can not get the feeling or image out of my head. FML

Today, I met up with my estranged father for the first time in almost 15 years. I saw him again later, while he was robbing my house. FML

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I couldn't find my insurance card, and the cop was very nice. He said not to worry about it, that I "looked like someone who had insurance." I'm not sure how to take that. FML

Oh really? No way!

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

SIR!

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I was in love with his best friend. He confessed that he was too. FML

What is going on?

Today, my wackjob roommate decided to sit next to me on the couch, basically make out with her pet rabbit, and baby-talk to it. Key highlights involved giggling while the bunny licked up inside her nose and then commenting on the rabbit's "pronounced nipples". Why? FML

Today, I got rejected for a job because they claimed I faked my entire resume. Their excuse? I'm too pretty to be smart. FML

Flattery?

Today, I was told that I looked like a Kardashian by a total stranger. Flattered, I asked which one. His response? "I don't know, the ugly one." FML

No. Just… No.

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

Today, someone on Facebook posted a really tiny picture that I couldn't read properly, so I responded, "What is this? A picture for ants?!" Turns out it was a commentary about rape, and now I look like an insensitive jackass. FML

Dad jokes

Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by pissing by some drunken loon on a segway. FML

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

First day

Today, while training a new employee, I had to run after a naked guy chasing a hooker at the hotel I work at. I made him go back to his room, while she offered me a good time for 300 bucks. The trainee left and hasn't come back yet. FML

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

Today, my mom put me in charge of her business's Facebook. Later, I was doing homework and took a Facebook break, changing my status to "So fucking boring." I'd forgotten to log out of the business account. FML

Today, I was at the library. I had to use the restroom, where I ended up singing in bad, made-up Japanese the whole time. When I went back across the library, my brother informed me that everyone could clearly hear me. FML

Vanilla Ice

Today, I was walking home when I made eye contact with some guy, just being friendly. He then started rapping at me while pointing at his dick. FML