saifnaqvi11

Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

Today, a lady told me that I should sue whoever screwed up my "nose job" so badly. This is the nose I was born with. FML

Today, I wanted to try seducing my boyfriend by having nothing but a t-shirt on for when he'd get back from work. He came home, saw me, apologized bashfully for failing to knock first, and went back outside. FML

Today, I donated to a charity website. My card was repeatedly refused by the website but when I went on my account, I was charged for each time I tried. I was scammed by a charity. FML

Spooked

Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML

How very dare you?

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

Today, I was choking on a popcorn kernel at the movie theater. Nobody helped me. The workers in there told me to leave because I was "disrupting the audience". FML