Orchard

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

The more you know

Today, while at the zoo, I found out that the rhinos there can pee backwards, while standing directly behind one. FML

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

Today, I was asked to leave a church service for laughing at the kids trying to sing. FML

Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs all over it. FML

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

Today, my grandparents came over for a family dinner. I'm somewhat overweight, and my grandma kept making sound effects in time with me doing pretty much anything. When I complained to my dad after she made a long farting sound as I sat down, he told me to suck it up. FML

Today, my sister came out of her room sobbing uncontrollably. When I asked what was wrong, she put her fingers in my face and asked if they smelled like pickles, and if "that's normal for girls". They did. It's not. FML

Today, a man walked into the bank I work at and asked what he would need in order to open an account. I had to look him in the eyes with a straight face, say, "Two pieces of identification," and ask him to put some pants on. FML

Great day out

Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

Today, I bought a live lobster to have for dinner. When my four year old daughter discovered it in the cooler, she thanked me incessantly for finally getting her a pet. She now won't let "Mr. Shelly" out of her sight. FML

Today, I helped my brother propose to his girlfriend of 5 years in the spot where they had first met. As he delivered his heartfelt speech, a sizable crowd appeared. When he got down on one knee, she punched him in the gut, yelled, "I never loved you", and ran away. Now he won't talk to me. FML

Today, I thought it would be cool to hit a basketball with a baseball bat. Ended up in the ER with seven stitches. FML

Classic prank

Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML

Mind melting

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I face-planted. I was going to say "Fuck you" and "I will kill you." It came out as "I will fuck you." He's still laughing. FML

Cheers!

Today, I saw some servicemen sitting outside a café, and I went over to thank them for their service. They waited till after I was done shaking their hands before they told me that they were just actors on their lunch break. FML

Today, my mom got pissed off at my doctor and called him a quack. She did this because he reassured her that I don't show any signs of the mental retardation that she's convinced herself I must have. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML

Today, I found out that sitting in the third row at a 3D movie makes me vomit. Today I also found out that the big burly dude in front of me does not appreciate being vomited on. Now I feel nauseous and have a black eye. Not to mention I missed the last part of the movie. FML

Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML

Suspicious minds

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I thought it was going to be an intervention. FML

It's alive!

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

Help!

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

Roll with it

Today, my mom rolled up the car window on my fingers. She thought my yelling and crying was because I was throwing a tantrum. I'm 26. FML

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

Today, I found out that the blind man I've been helping for months at the grocery store by carrying his shopping around and stuff was actually faking his blindness. FML