En couple
Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML
Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that miles are the same distance for everything. He thought that human miles were different than mouse miles, because they're smaller. He's 34. FML
Today, while waiting in line with my 4-year-old son, I had to awkwardly apologize to an African-American gentleman and explain to my son that the man was not made out of chocolate. FML
Today, I was at work when a customer came up to me and asked where and what I used to get my tan. I'm Indian. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her iTunes was on random. "Rape Me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML
Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML
Today, I was coaching a little league soccer game. I was telling one of my players to go cover another kid. I said "go cover the little yellow kid!" because he happened to be wearing a yellow shirt. He also happened to be Asian. I then got death stares from his family members. FML
Today, I was watching Harry Potter. When all the students at Hogwarts started to clap at one point, I started clapping myself. FML
Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML
Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML
Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML
Today, at work, I was forced to listen to the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers Christmas album on repeat for 8 hours. FML
Today, a friend of mine and I were talking about how hygienic we are. She mentioned she hadn't shaved her downstairs in a while. I was looking at the computer when she said this so when I turned to look at her I saw she had pulled down her pants and underwear. I was face to face with hairy muff. FML
Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML
Today, I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you." I'm a woman. FML
Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!" He then started singing the Super Mario Brothers theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML
Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them." FML
Today, I lost the remote control to my TV. I can't change the channel manually on it, and the channel it's stuck on is currently playing an infomercial for the Pos-T-Vac penis pump. I've been watching this for an hour now. I'm a female, and I'm beginning to feel like I need this product. FML
Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML
Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML
Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML
Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML
Today, I bought a pretty blue parakeet to keep my parrot company, and named her Sky. I went to work a few hours later. When I came home that night, I found my parrot dead. There wasn't a huge mess to clean, though; Sky had already eaten half of his corpse. FML
Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML
Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I'm German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, my teacher laughed at the "irony." Something like this always happens whenever I tell people my background. FML
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