Today, I went to see a movie. While buying tickets, the girl behind the counter asked to show my ID card to proof I'm at least 16 years old. Not wanting to make a drama, I showed it. She took a look at it and declared it as fake. That ID is real and I'm 24. FML
Today, I was at work doing phone computer support helping a woman with her computer. I asked her to close all her open windows. She deleted all the important company documents in the open folder instead. I got fired because "close windows" and "delete" have become "too technical" for users. FML
Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML
Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML
Today, I decided to lay out topless in my fenced-in backyard. For about an hour, everything was going great until I sneezed and my creepy, middle-aged neighbor said "bless you". From my bushes. FML
Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML
Today, My girlfriend and I were watching tv when suddenly one of our phones start going off. We both have the same phone and they were next to each other. She picks up the phone and reads the text message, "I wish you were here! I'd fuck you silly" She gets pissed and runs out. It was her phone. FML
Today, I was trying to turn on my computer and couldn't. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what was wrong when I finally called my husband for help and made him leave work. He came in, looked at the wall, and plugged it back in. The look on his face said it all. FML
Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML
Today, I finally found out that someone had stolen my debit card and maxed it out. The good news? Whoever it was forgot to change the address on the card, so everything they bought online has been shipped to me. The bad news? I've received 16 snuggies so far, and I'm still counting. FML
Today, my mother, who religiously checks her bank account after every purchase, then shreds her receipts, got fed up with me not doing the same. So she shredded all my piled up receipts. These include the 100s of dollars I had spent for my work, which I need the receipts to get reimbursed for. FML
Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm "so slow a turtle could kick my ass" and that he has "a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend." FML
Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML
Today, my date sent me a text saying, "I'm sorry we're running late, we will be there shortly." I replied asking what she meant by "we." She said her parents, who were coming along to chaperone. I laughed about two 27 year-olds having chaperones, until she walked in with her parents. FML
Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML
Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML
Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML
Today, I got fired. By my father. He wants me to drive him to work tomorrow. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. Instead of taking me home like he told me he was going to, he pulled up to the gas station, gave me $6, and asked me to go pay. As soon as I walked inside, he threw my bag out the door, and drove off. FML
Today, I shared the story of my younger brother's unexpected death with a friend. After telling him the story, I looked at him with teary eyes and he looked back into my eyes and said "I understand how you feel. That is almost as bad as when I lost my cat last spring term." FML
Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML
Today, I discovered that my supervisor has been submitting completed projects to our manager on time for everyone on the team but me. She has been deliberately making it appear as though I am weeks behind on my projects, when in reality I am one of the first ones done every month. FML
Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole cheeseburger. I loved it. FML
Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML
Today, I received a detention because I threw up on the school nurse who wasn't going to send me home. According to her, stomach ulcers are not a true health issue, so there's no reason to leave. FML
Today, my dad told me he's taking the whole family to Disney World, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML
Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML
Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML
Today, I spent three hours getting ready to go out to lunch with my boyfriend, only to find out he meant we're going to the McDonald's inside Wal-Mart so he can also pick up condoms. FML
Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML
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