Mademoiselle Gallifrey, Narnia 29 ans Célibataire
Today, my boss captured a huge spider and put it in a jar on the desk in our shop. He's named it Fluffy and is threatening to fire me if I harm it. I'm horribly arachnophobic and we share that desk. FML
Today, my mother was digging up our Halloween decorations, and found the Christmas decorations as well. She's shoddily decorated the house already in half-Halloween and half-Christmas style to save time. I guess we'll be celebrating Christmasween for the rest of the year. FML
Today, my boyfriend learned how to somersault. He now thinks that he's a ninja and somersaults into every room. FML
Today, I discovered a brown recluse spider in my house. Before I could smash it, it escaped under the door. Now I'm freaked out and wearing boots and gloves, clutching at my kittens and waiting for it to appear. My dad laughs everytime he walks past. FML
Today, a nearby volcano erupted for the second time. We were all urged to keep our windows and doors closed in case of ash clouds. My father responded by opening every window and door and shouting, "Come at me, bro!" FML
Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML
Today, I sent in an assignment from my batshit insane teacher. The assignment was to read a poem, analyze it, and make a comic of its plot. This would've been fine if the teacher who assigned it to me didn't teach math. FML
Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML
Today, I received a package from a local guy on Craigslist. Instead of the iPhone I paid $350 for, the box only contained a photo of an iPhone. The guy had been dumb enough to attach a return address, so my husband went over and beat the shit out of him. I now have to bail him out of jail. FML
Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML
Today, my 17 year-old boyfriend's mother bought him a giraffe onesie. He refused to take it off and insisted on wearing it everywhere we go. We live in Australia and it's our summer now. So far he has passed out 3 times in public because he overheated, but he still won't take it off. FML
Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML
Today, I dragged my boyfriend to see Les Misérables with me. He now refuses to communicate with me through any medium other than singing. Apparently, this is his revenge. FML
Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML
Today, I was on the treadmill at the gym, when I felt my pants start slipping. I tried to pull them up, but lost my balance and fell face-first onto the floor. When I go to my wedding tomorrow, half the guests will probably think I've exchanged my fiancé for Chris Brown. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML
Today, I met my new class. There are two Kevin Smiths. Neither will agree to a nickname, they have the same hair color, and their middle names both start with J. They have told me to call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2. They both want to be Kevin 1. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML
Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I could talk to them throughout the day." Then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML
Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML
Today, at school, I saw the guy I like at his locker. I decided to run up from behind and surprise him. I ended up accidentally slamming his locker on his fingers. FML
Today, I was in a big Skype chat, which somehow turned into a heated argument. My friend lost it, typed "your stupid" and called me a "looser." When I pointed out the irony of his messages, he rage-quit, drove all the way to my house, and punched me in the face at the door. FML
Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an "inconsiderate heartless bitch" for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair. FML
Today, a bug buzzed into my ear. In response, I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML
Today, getting off a bus, it was pouring rain so I got my umbrella out. A man elbowed me in the gut and grabbed it. When I told my mom about it she said, "That's New York, get over it." FML
Today, I attempted to ask a girl out by doing a flash mob and singing for her in the store where she works. Turns out, she suffers from anxiety and the overwhelming amount of attention caused a panic attack. No, I didn't get a date. FML
Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML
Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML
Today, after asking my psychiatrist about natural alternatives to medication for my depression, she replied, "Why not Zoidberg?" FML
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