Mademoiselle Nevermore, USA En couple
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML
Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML
Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people; 17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML
Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tapeworms. FML
Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML
Today, I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. His response? "If you can't take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?" FML
Today, I worked for three hours writing very neat notes with one of those pens that erase. I felt very accomplished, so decided to share it on Facebook. I brought my computer over to my lap on top of my notes. Turns out heat from laptops smudges ink from eraseable pens. I can't read my notes. FML
Today, I took the train home. When seated, I suddenly noticed something wet on my seat. Without looking, I thought it was water since it was snowing outside. Guess again. It was vomit. FML
Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML
Today, it was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I'm an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML
Today, I went to contest a parking ticket in court. I came out 3 hours later, all charges clear, to a new parking ticket on my windshield, for the same amount I just got cleared. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML
Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML
Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML
Today, I started to type up a mass text to tell a decent amount of my friends that I'd just come home to a surprise from my boyfriend. Trying to fix a typo, I accidentally hit send with the text only saying "Guess what?! I just came." FML
Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML
Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML
Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML
Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party. We were the hosts. FML
Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML
Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML
Today, I told my father I registered for the Marines, and that I'm leaving for bootcamp next week. He asked if this means that he doesn't have to pay child support anymore. FML
Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML
Today, I got back from a two-week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my roommate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML
Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML
Today, my mother got remarried. I am now officially older than my step-father. FML
Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his Facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML
Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML
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