horrorchick

Nasty

Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

Friends

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It's OK, though, she says we can still go on the vacation I planned next month for our 3 year anniversary, just "as friends." The tickets are non-refundable. FML

Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML

Today, I went out on a first date. He insisted we go to McDonald's and split a Happy Meal because he "didn't want to waste any money on a first date." FML

Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom." That's how he put it, anyway. FML

Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML

Today, at work at a gas station kiosk, a man requested a carton of cigarettes. We keep our cigarettes on a high shelf. I'm short and very large chested so I have to jump in order to reach the carton. He said, "I only come here for the entertainment" and left without purchasing his cigarettes. FML

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

Today, in the midst of sleep, my boyfriend hurled my cellphone across the room and into the wall because he couldn't be bothered to pick up or hang up an incoming call. FML

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

Enjoy your stay

Today, someone burgled my hotel room. As always, I had locked my passport, extra cash, and other valuables in the closet safe, so I thought the losses would be superficial. What a discovery that the safe hadn't been fastened to the closet shelf, so the thief just picked it up and took it home. FML

Help yourself

Today, I witnessed a car accident. Being an experienced paramedic, I rushed to the scene to see if anyone needed help. As I assessed the people involved, one of them pickpocketed me. FML

Today, I found myself humming a Skrillex ditty all day. I'm beginning to wonder if I've had some sort of stroke. FML

Today, my girlfriend started a conversation with "I don't want to break up" and ended the conversation with "I think I'd be better off alone." So I guess I'm now single. I think. FML

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

Today, I went to the beach with my boyfriend and family. My sister coyly pointed out the scratch marks down his back, hoping to embarrass me in front of my parents. The marks weren't from me. FML

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML