Today, I carried flat-packed boxes home from work to move my things into a new apartment. Whilst walking down the street, the wind kept blowing and spinning me round. A crowd eventually gathered, mistaking me for a street performer. Nobody helped or even threw me any loose change. FML
Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML
Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML
Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML
Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML
Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML
Today, at the exact moment that I leaned over to show my dad a picture on my phone, my boyfriend texted me: "I'm no weather man, but you can expect a few inches tonight." FML
Today, I left my son with my husband while I went to the store. Ten minutes later, my dog was missing a large patch of fur, and neither of them can stop laughing. FML
Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When I yelled at him, he could only shout back, "You can see clearly now, the bangs are gone!" FML
Today, I was again turned down by a potential host family on a student exchange site. Their reasoning was basically that since I'm American, I might do something to endanger my health, get hurt, and then sue them over my own stupidity. FML
Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML
Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML
Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML
Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML
Today, through sheer luck, I got talking to an actor from the Harry Potter films who I've had a crush on since I was about ten. I tried to play it cool, and pretend I didn't know who he was. Then my phone rang, with the Harry Potter theme tune. FML
Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML
Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair in a way that it looks like Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML
Today, I was at dance rehearsal. As a male dancer I like to keep the fact that I dance a secret because of the stupid stereotypes male dancers have. This plan was quickly shot down when I discovered I was performing at my school. FML
Today, I was forced to work with someone I absolutely hate. I then found myself starting to like him, until he shot me in the forehead with a stapler gun. FML
Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML
Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML
Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML
Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML
Today, I turned 35. Because I'm still single, my sister bought me a cat to help start my "inevitable collection." FML
Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML
Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML
Today, I accidentally hit a cyclist with my car. In panic, I jumped out of my car and ran up to him, who was lying on the floor, motionless. As I was about to check his pulse, he jumped up and shouted, "I bet you thought I was dead, asshole!" He then punched me in the face and cycled off. FML
Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing, "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall…" Before I could say "…asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML
Today, my mum made me take her poodle on a walk, which she'd dressed in a tiara and a pink dog dress. Being a 19-year-old guy, I was pissed. After I got home, I saw that my mom had filmed me from the window and posted it to Facebook, to everyone's great delight. FML
Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was, "God forbid a maxed-out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML
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