ImaKoala

Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML

Today, as a 1 year anniversary present, my boyfriend let me see and wear my engagement ring. He then made me give it back at the end of the day. FML

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

Bad boy

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

Today, my boyfriend rekindled the romance with his ex, at my 21st birthday party. One of the few reasons I'd invited her was to show that I trusted him, and I no longer felt threatened by their continued friendship. FML

Who's Christina?

Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML

Testing the waters

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

Outlaw

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I'm a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

College rules

Today, I was in class and felt something tugging on my hair. I thought it was caught on the chair, so I turned around a little to look. The guy behind me was holding my hair and smelling it. He gave me a creepy smile, winked, and continued. FML

Double sus

Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever, and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML

Objectification

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer bent forward and I admired his ass. When he turned, I couldn't tell if he caught me or not. At the end of the interview he shook my hand in congratulations of getting the job, then said, "Yes, I do work out." I have to see him every day now. FML

Today, I continued my habit of saying, "It smells like lung cancer over here" any time I see a smoker. This guy turned out to be an amateur MMA fighter, and I was his "workout" for the day. I guess his lungs are doing fine. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a party. He got drunk and started talking about how his hot blonde girlfriend gives him great blowjobs. I'm a brunette. FML

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

Today, I found out that instead of going on a date with a girl I've liked for months, I'm going to be forced to have lunch with my grandmother tomorrow. Instead of losing my virginity, I will get to be interrogated about why I'm single. FML

Scary

Today, I realized how much I hate my girlfriend, when I got excited as the doctor told me I should refrain from having sex for the next two months. FML

Today, I found out my husband has been talking to another woman on Facebook. His only defense was, "I thought I deleted the messages." FML

Nervous?

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. They jokingly asked me if I was only with him for his money. I didn't hear them properly so I just smiled and nodded. They now think I'm a gold digging bitch. FML

Today, I came home from work to be given $1 by my mother. This normally would have been nice, had my mother not said, "I just sold that ugly old black and white picture frame you always leave lying around in your room." Which also would have been nice if that "frame" wasn't my Kindle. FML

Today, a very attractive man asked me out. I'd have been flattered if I weren't the nurse assigned to his laboring wife. FML