Mademoiselle Eucalyptus trees, New York 28 ans Célibataire
Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML
Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML
Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML
Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML
Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML
Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML
Today, I was texting this guy i've liked for a really long time, because of how nice and sentimental he is. We were sending each other things like "You make me smile" and "You're so damn cute" when finally he said "Let's just stop texting and hook up already." So much for sentimental. FML
Today, I had to explain to my mother that it's inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML
Today, I got a call from an ex, demanding to know why my Facebook relationship status was set as married. I got married a few months ago, and I quietly explained this to her. My wife overheard and now thinks I've been cheating all along. FML
Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML
Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people, and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML
Today, a guy who I have known for a long time confessed his love to me. It would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML
Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML
Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML
Today, I confronted my husband about him being unfaithful. He said his reasons were because he's just not attracted to me anymore and my current weight repulses him. I'm six months pregnant with his child. FML
Today, my mom yelled at me for taking too long at a job interview, and that it was a waste of her time to drive me to it. I just quit my job, moved away from my boyfriend and the coast to help take care of her in Idaho. FML
Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML
Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML
Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was wearing nothing but socks. FML
Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML
Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML
Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time. He posted it on Facebook and can't understand why I'm angry with him. FML
Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML
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