Youtube00

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML

Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

Today, I woke up with a high fever and hallucinations. I called for my mother, who after checking me, swore that I was just hungover from a night of partying, called me a "f*cking hedonist", and refused to help. FML

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to disable my iPod Touch for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I went to enter my password. I missed a number accidentally. 50 minutes to go. FML

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by putting a Post-it note on my locker that said, "Consider yourself dumped." FML

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

This is awkward, guys

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

Macabre date

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year-old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

Today, my brother got a pet ferret. He told me it had a flexible spine, so I bent it backwards. It farted, and clawed my face. FML

Today, I was told that I may die by the time I'm 30, and that I should Google the disorder because he doesn't know what it is for sure. FML

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

Today, I got asked on a date. I was later told we had to cancel. Why? My ex is parked in front of his house and he is afraid to leave. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

Good one, thanks

Today, as I was walking home from work, my dad drove past, pulled over, rolled down the window and asked, "Are you tired of walking?" To which I replied "Yes!" Just as I reached for the car door, he yelled "RUN A WHILE" and sped off. FML

Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

Won't get fooled again

Today, this really cute guy at work kept flirting with me and cracking the funniest jokes. Before he left, he told me how much he enjoyed making me smile. An hour later, I saw my reflection in a mirror, I had a huge piece of food stuck in my teeth. FML

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML

Today, my drunk brother thought I could withstand a metal chair being slammed across my back like on the wrestling shows. I guess he didn't know that the shows are fake. FML

Today, my sister confessed to me that she sold some of my old shirts to the girl who's stalking me. This explains why I got a note that read, "I have your scent, now I can track you." FML

Ivy league

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to take a video of his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML