SuperDani

Healthy lifestyle choice

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

Today, I was told I needed to start carrying bandaids with me at work because practically every day I hurt myself. FML

Today, it's my last day at my job because I'm moving to another city. My boss handed me a card and chocolates. The same boss that didn't sign the card because, "Even though you're a great employee, I probably won't remember your name in a fortnight." I've been there three years. FML

GTFO

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

Dude, WTF!

Today, I was at my job as a flight attendant. A passenger on my plane stopped breathing and turned blue. As I cleared his airways and was busy strapping an oxygen mask to his face, the passenger behind him tried to hand me her trash. Apparently I'm a walking trash can, no matter what I'm doing. FML

Never trust the messenger

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

Today, I went out to lunch on my break. When I got back to work, I noticed I had something in my teeth. After trying to get it out with my tongue, I finally went to my car for some floss. I ended up pulling a 4 inch pube out of my back teeth. It certainly wasn't mine. FML

Today, I realized how much I'm on the computer. I tried to "CTRL+Z" on something I wrote down on my paper. FML

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

Pianissimo

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly, I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

Today, I saw my neighbor of twelve years at the grocery store. Being friendly, I went over to say hello. After I did, she responded by saying that she didn't know me but I look familiar. Finally, she remembered why I'm familiar saying that I look like the dorky guy from Two and a Half Men. FML

Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML

Gotta have it

Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML

Stuck

Today, I had to take two buses home from a friend's house. After waiting in the cold for the second bus for 40 minutes, it finally came and I realized that I'd left my wallet on the first bus. It took me 2 hours to walk home and I was locked out because my house key is attached to my wallet. FML

Great conversation starter

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

Today, I had my first free night in months. I spent it doing homework and watching TV. I had set my Facebook status to say I was spending time with the boys from The Big Bang Theory, then fell asleep. I woke up later to an angry text from my boyfriend thinking I was cheating on him. FML

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry, Honey. FML

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

Today, two customers complained about the shitty service they received from my coworkers. I apologized and asked about the complaint. Their issues were legitimate and I promised to pass them on. They demanded to speak to my manager and my coworkers got in trouble. Now they think I'm a snitch. FML

Today, I found out that a coworker and I may get laid off soon, all because my boss's niece told him she can do both our jobs all by herself, and for less money. FML

I hate it here

Today, I was feeling a little bored so I decided to go outside for once. Living in Florida is nice and all, except for the fact that right now I'm putting ice over two snake bites. FML

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

Today, I spent nearly seven hours clearing out our storage room in order to transform it into my art studio. Things were going great until I tweaked my back. At least from my stationary position in bed I have a perfect view of the table I can't work at for the next 2 to 4 weeks. FML

Today, the guy I like finally called to ask me to go grab a drink with him. I just moved six hours away. FML