Mademoiselle New Jersey, USA 29 ans Célibataire
Today, I blacked out while hugging my dad. I woke up a minute later on the floor with my dad telling me to, "quit being lazy and get up." FML
Today, I was outside talking to my new neighbor. I was gesturing while talking and didn't notice the little kid riding her bike coming our way. I ended up accidentally smacking her in the face and knocking her off her bike. Apparently she's my new neighbor's daughter. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML
Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML
Today, my mom saw a picture of the moon and asked me what "those big spots" were. She actually thought the craters were continents and tried correcting me when I told her what they were. Then I almost got into trouble for being disrespectful. FML
Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML
Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML
Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML
Today, I found out that while my sister can somehow manage to keep an eye on and control her three preschool-aged children at the park, making sure nobody steals my dog from right beside her is just too big of a job. FML
Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML
Today, it was my birthday and I have no children. My father bluntly says, "Well, I guess if I get any grand-babies out of you now, they will have Down's Syndrome." I just turned 30. FML
Today, I dyed my hair purple. I came out of the salon and a little girl walked past and said, "Wow, you look like a mermaid!", to which her mother quickly said, "No she doesn't, she looks like her parents don't love her." FML
Today, I had to pull chunks of digested blanket out of my dog's ass because she refuses to listen to me when I tell her not to eat the damn blanket. I can't stop smelling it. FML
Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML
Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML
Today, I had to complete a simple math problem to submit a web form in order to show that I wasn't a spam robot. I got it wrong. I'm officially too bad at arithmetic to prove I'm human. FML
Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML
Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML
Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got ahold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible." He was referring to me. FML
Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML
Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML
Today, I showed my daughter video footage from a security camera that showed her using her employee key to enter the store I own, disarming the alarm, and stealing several very valuable items. Her defense? That someone had "photoshopped" the video. We'll see how that goes down in court. FML
Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML
Today, I had an extreme panic attack in the middle of class. I interrupted another person's presentation, burst into tears, and ran out of class whilst everyone looked at me. FML
Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML
Today, I told my best friend she looked great in the dress she was wearing. My boyfriend overheard and is now convinced I'm a lesbian. FML
Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML
Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML
Today, I saw a dick for the first time in my life, on the early morning crowded train headed for work. FML
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