SuperDani

Great gig

Today, I went to a gig. The drummer threw his drumsticks out at the end and I managed to catch one. With my face. Not only did I get a black eye, but the person next to me snatched the drumstick from my hands. FML

Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML

Today, after dating the love of my life for a year, my parents refuse to give their blessing for us to be engaged, because he's two years younger than me and "people change as they age." FML

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

Today, while enjoying the nice weather in a park, I opened my eyes to the sight of some guy jacking off, half-hidden behind a tree. FML

Flummoxed

Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML

Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was depressed so I went to the only bar in town. When I asked for a drink, I found out she works there as the bartender. FML

Backhanded matchmaker

Today, a customer came in to the Walmart I cashier at, trying to set me up with her daughter. This isn't the first time she's tried. As she so graciously put it, her daughter "has a thing for the wimpy nerdy types". FML

Today, I realized I apologize too often as I said I was sorry to my boyfriend as he broke up with me. I apologized for being sad and making him feel bad. FML

Today, a woman drove her car onto my closed worksite. Since it is hazardous for the general public, I told her to leave. Later, the police arrived and gave me hell. Apparently, I was reported for being "snippy". FML

Today, I had to ride in the back seat of a car, next to a large, hyperactive dog who experiences nervous bowel movements. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex, and he asked me to tell him what I wanted him to do. I said I wanted him to make me scream and cum. To which he replied, "Okay, be realistic now". FML

Today, I had a first date with a guy I met online. And his mom. FML

Today, a woman who works in the clinic across the road told me that my glass isn't frosted enough and she and all her patients can see me when I shower. FML

Highway to hell

Today, I got told that I was going to hell for turning down a man who was at least in his 60s. Even after I told him I was married. FML

Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML

Caught

Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML

Today, I am 1,000 days sober and drug-free. I suffer from depression and I am craving terribly. I have a migraine and a bladder infection. And I can deal with all of this. But what I can't deal with is my dipshit coworker asking if I want to go out for drinks and snort cocaine to celebrate. FML

Today, my husband decided he would rather be with his mistress than with me while I gave birth to our first child. FML

Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML

Today, just as I was putting my contacts in, a gnat landed on it. Its guts got squished between my eyeball and the contact. FML

Reluctant

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

Today, I discovered that my mom bought roll on stick glue that looks quite a bit like deodorant. It was early in the morning and I was groggy. Long story short, I had to cut every one of my pit hairs. FML

Today, my vehicle's transmission shifter moves freely without shifting gears. I'm stuck in park, in a parking lot, unable to even put it into neutral to push the vehicle out of the way of several parked cars. The old lady screaming at me just outside my door doesn't understand logic either. FML

Are you lost?

Today, while I was working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sold dildos. FML

Today, it's been about 8 months since I moved into my studio flat. It was already furnished, there was no bed but a fancy bedseat from Ikea. I slept uncomfortably on it for months until I realised it pulls out to become a double bed. FML

Running late

Today, we were running late for school so my mum shouted at me to hurry up and get in the car. I put my school bags in the boot of the car and my mum drove off. It wasn't until she got to my school and told me to get out that she realised I wasn't there. FML