SuperDani

Hand me downs

Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's dirty fingernails between the pages. FML

Today, I was out shopping with my son and unbeknownst to me, he had secretly added a bunch of expensive games he wanted to the trolley. I was too embarrassed at the till to make a fuss as there was a huge line behind me. I watched as my normal £50 shopping bill climbed to over £400. FML

Today, my 4 year-old grand-daughter let her pet rabbit loose in the yard, while my 2 year-old grandson was trying to climb on a chair, then a table. I had to choose between catching the rabbit before it ran under the fence, or saving my grandson from falling on the concrete terrace. FML

BIKES!

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride on bicycles. After a while, I couldn't see him ahead of me any more. I went back and forth for half an hour but could't find him, and started to think something happened. I went home to call him but saw his bike. Turns out my boyfriend is just an asshole. FML

Today, I got yelled at for not taking an order correctly at work. I've been washing dishes all day and haven't taken a single order. FML

Mr Burns

Today, I didn't want to get sand in my shoes, so I walked down to the beach barefoot. The sand was so hot that it burned the soles of my feet. I now have blisters across the bottom of my feet and between my toes… but at least there's no sand in my shoes. FML

Today, my dog pooped on the floor, and the Roomba my sweet boyfriend bought me as a housewarming gift, ran over it. FML

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

Today, the guy I broke up with for being too possessive and jealous threatened to leak my nudes if he sees or hears that I've gotten with anyone else. FML

Shoot your shot

Today, a girl on my Snapchat list posted a story asking for anybody who was awake to talk to her. Me being awake, I took her up on the request. Her response? "Sorry I didn't mean you." FML

Today, a customer asked if we stocked gluten-free water. Then she got pissed when I laughed at what I thought was her joke. FML

Today, two people came up to me at school, asking if I'd sell them some of my Adderall. I only just transferred here and have never mentioned my ADHD or the Adderall I take for it to anyone. FML

Today, I learned that I'm in that special kind of relationship where my ex thinks we're still married, no matter how many times I tell him that we were divorced over a year ago. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I are looking at places to stay to meet for the first time. I figured renting a small vacation apartment would be ideal because he's not able to help pay because he isn't working and I'm not rich. He's telling me he can only be comfortable in 4 star hotels. FML

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

Today, when I got home from work I was pretty "in the mood" so I put on some cute undies and a tank top and went to get my boyfriends attention, he was so into his new computer game all I got was a half smile and a pat on the head. FML

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we couldn't have sex by candlelight since she had just started her period. The only time she brings up sex is when we can't do it. FML

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I had cheated on her. She didn't tell or get mad, oh no. She looked at me for a few seconds then burst out laughing and called me a liar. FML

Toxic workplace

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to quit my job after being tortured by my boss for months. My boss responded by throwing a hardcover textbook at me and hitting me in the face. FML

Thanks for the help

Today, I should be starting my last year of college next week. But no. My old advisor messed up my schedule so badly that there's no way I'll graduate for another year. So I'll be in school five years for a four year program because as a freshman I thought my advisor was helping me. FML

Fight! Fight!

Today, I accidentally slapped myself in the face with my belt when I pulled it from my belt loops too quickly. FML

Today, I woke up at 5 a.m. to the sound of my cat knocking things over. It wasn't until my boyfriend sat upright and checked, that I realized it actually wasn't our cat, but my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend trying to get into our second-story window. This isn't the first time she's done this. FML

Today, it's my birthday and I celebrated with friends. I now have 34 individual copies of the first Twilight movie. FML

Assumptions

Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML

Leave me alone!

Today, I found myself sneaking into my apartment to avoid the old lady who lives next to me. Funnily enough, I moved into my own apartment because I was tired of sneaking into it to avoid my mom, who lived with me. FML

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my coworker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

Dating is hell

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML