SuperDani

Child brain

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the size of a man's penis is not proportional to his height. He was insecure because he's 5'6" and assumed everyone taller had a bigger penis than him. He's 30. FML

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

Today, I found out why the rent is so cheap in my new house. Apparently the previous tenants violated their lease by keeping illegal exotic pets. They responded to fines and eviction by letting all the animals loose in the basement, like the (admittedly gorgeous) albino cobra I found curled on my laundry. FML

Today, I hosted my 6-year-old daughter's birthday party. After inviting 15 kids from her class, making a huge 2-flavor character cake, and cutting pool noodles for light sabers, only 1 kid showed up. FML

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. Aside from falling every 2 minutes, I was apparently showing the entire mountain (including my dad) my thong every time I fell and got back up. My boyfriend saw everything and didn't let me know until we finished the 20-minute run we were on. FML

Spirit world

Today, I got another in a year-long string of threatening letters about my late mother's credit card bill. I've called the credit company repeatedly to settle the account, but they won't talk to me because I'm not authorized to access it. Hope they have a Ouija board. FML

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend. I'm usually in control and do my own thing. He tried taking control and I ended throwing up on him. FML

Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML

Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

Networked out

Today, I got back home after traveling in internet-scarce areas. The first thing I did when I got a solid connection was withdraw from a study abroad program I couldn't afford. Later I found the email telling me that I had been offered an all-expenses-paid scholarship. Too bad I'm not going now. FML

Today, I had to call out of work due to my house flooding. As if that wasn't bad enough, my boss promptly accused me of lying because "the others from your town made it in today." I didn't realize we all lived together. FML

Today, I found out I have a yeast infection, a bladder infection, and a urinary tract infection all at the same time. Oh, and I also have the flu. FML

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

Geeking out

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

Salad days

Today, I saw a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then put it back on the shelf. FML

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

Great balls of fire

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML

Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML

Today, I found out my friends replaced the water in my bottle with vodka when all my fish died. Any water I don't finish the night before, I pour into my tank the next morning. Thousands of dollars and years hard work, gone. FML

Today, I shaved my lady bits for the first time to surprise my husband, who I haven't seen in months due to deployment. I ended up with razor burn and my dim-witted husband believes I cheated on him and that it's an STD. Nothing will tell him otherwise. FML

Today, I realized that I hadn't heard anything about my upcoming class reunion. Turns out it was an invite via Facebook that I didn't receive because most of my classmates are on my block list. FML

Respect, my foot

Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

Today, I was getting ready to meet my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in a month so I decided to shave my body hair, even though I have really sensitive skin and usually end up getting rashes after a few days. His flight got cancelled and he won't be back for another two days. FML