SuperDani

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

How's he doing?

Today, and at every family event, my parents and grandparents go on and on about my ex and how much they miss him and wish I would get back with him. This would be fine, rude, but fine, except that they tell this to my husband. It's been years and we're expecting our first child. FML

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

Today, after months of delays, my home renovation is nearing completion. Well, it was nearing completion. Last night, a pipe burst, flooding the entire house. The water damage will cost more to repair than the entire renovation. FML

Shovel to the head

Today, I shoveled snow at work. I had to because my co-workers refused to "get sick." I told my co-workers if anyone needs me, just tell them I'm shoveling snow. Our boss asked for me and they said that I left without punching. This also happened when I went out to water the flowers in the summer. FML

Today, my roommates gathered together to tell me that they all took turns spitting in my drinks in the fridge, all because I told on them for smoking pot in the apartment. FML

Today, I was driving to work, following my girlfriend's car. I looked down to change the radio station and felt a large bump. I rear-ended my girlfriend. FML

Today, my roommates keep opening my bedroom door to "let the WiFi out." FML

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

Today, I went paint-balling with my girlfriend. As we drove she was scared about getting shot a lot, especially in the head. I reassured her that with all the protective gear it was unlikely. First round, within a minute, she gets shot 3 times in the back of the head. FML

Today, I was rear-ended while heading to my appointment with my physiotherapist. This is the physiotherapist I am seeing to treat the pinched disc I got from being rear-ended 6 months ago. FML

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

Today, my lovely boyfriend decided to make grilled cheese on his own for the first time in months. Apparently, within that time span he forgot that plastic doesn't go well with prolonged heat. Goodbye favorite pan and spatula. FML

Thanks a lot!

Today, my girlfriend's dad let me borrow his car for transportation to work because mine got totaled. This car is a complete dump and I've realized he's only letting me use it so it's my fault to fix the broken things on the car. So far, I've had to replace the battery and two popped tires. FML

Executive confusing

Today, while brushing my teeth I noticed a hair in the sink. Running the scenario over in my mind, I was going to simultaneously spit into the sink and throw the hair on the floor. Creating a big ball of phlegm, I threw the hair back into the sink and launched a huge mouthful onto the floor. FML

Today, my mom told me that I would get to leave school halfway through the day. What she didn't tell me was that the reason I was missing school was to get 2 teeth pulled. FML

Today, I went to Sunday school for the first time. The priest assured us we could ask him anything, so I did. When class ended the priest pulled me and my mom aside and asked her to stop bringing me to Sunday school until "she learns not to question the bible and accept what she is told." FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's entire extended family at a party. All of them, including his dad, said I looked exactly like his mum. FML

Collector's item

Today, my girlfriend bought me a new hockey jersey and donated my old one. My old one was signed. FML

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend because I'd been rather snappy with him the last few days due to stress. His response? "It's okay baby, I'm used to you being a bitch." FML

News to me

Today, I took my "girlfriend" to a nice restaurant to celebrate our first month anniversary, only to find out she didn't even know we're dating, but only "friends who have sex sometimes." FML

Today, my flatmate took his hour plus long shower while we both tried to get ready for work. I had a choice to wet myself or pee in a cooking pot. I chose the pot. FML

Today, I woke up in pain. After passing out multiple times I stumbled, terrified, to my mom's room for help. She thought I just wanted to stay home from school so she didn't bother waking me up and left me on the floor. Thanks mom. FML

Today, I dropped a tray of dirty dishes at work. I overheard a server telling a customer that I was inexperienced, so I said, "I'll have that man know this is the first time I've ever dropped something." I turned around satisfied and then dropped the tray again. The guy was in hysterics. FML

Today, I was in the hospital for 12 hours with unbearable stomach pain. Apparently I have a horrible infection in my intestines and colon. My mom is now accusing me of having anal sex and allowing a man to ejaculate into my bum. My great-grandma believes her. FML

Pennies on the dollar

Today, while delivering pizza I was yet again given $0.04 over the total bill and told condescendingly to "keep the change." This happens on every shift. My pay is reduced during deliveries, and I drive my own car, and use my own gas. For $0.04. FML

Today, I quit smoking cigarettes. While driving to work, the car in front of me flicked his out the window, flying straight into mine. It set the bottom of my seat on fire. FML

Today, while I was at the gym, I saw a guy walk into the girls locker room. I was walking nearby so I said, "Hey man, that's the wrong one." Turns out it was just a very masculine-looking woman, with a very masculine haircut. FML