Mademoiselle New Jersey, USA 29 ans Célibataire
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML
Today, two days before a big weight lifting competition with a $3,000 grand prize, I broke my arm. FML
Today, I left my house angrily after arguing over the Super Bowl. I guess karma gets nasty when you wish a member of the opposing team would break his back. I fell down the stairs. FML
Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML
Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML
Today, I was on my way to college when I got in a car wreck with none other than my professor. My car was totaled and couldn't drive, but his could so I missed class, but he still made it. The end result? He marked me as an "unexcused absence" and gave me a zero. The accident was his fault. FML
Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML
Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML
Today, I wanted to buy a Philly cheesesteak from my campus grill, but I was running late so I ordered a grilled cheese as it would be simpler to prep. I then waited 20 minutes and watched as the cooks made 4 cheesesteaks for other orders before even starting my grilled cheese. I was late. FML
Today, I ordered some food to get delivered. When I opened the bag a fly flew out. FML
Today, one of my junior marines called to tell me they were in an accident that totaled both cars. The car he hit was parked in a nearby parking garage. It was mine. FML
Today, I bought a desk for my new apartment. After ignoring the warnings on the box saying it should not be carried alone, I made it all the way to my apartment with the desk. I walked in the door and dropped it on my foot. FML
Today, by helping my sweet, caring boyfriend get over his crippling insecurities and develop some confidence, I've turned him into a lying, cheating asshole I can't stand. FML
Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML
Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies got the best of him and his nose started running. Every time he kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. When I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML
Today, I was asked to babysit for a family that attends the daycare I work at. All of my coworkers warned me that they were rough kids but I shrugged it off. As soon as the parents left, the 7-year-old girl said, "Oh good now I can focus on death and my plans". FML
Today, my wedding ring came off in a Walmart bathroom and fell into the toilet. It was an automatic toilet. It flushed. FML
Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML
Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML
Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML
Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML
Today, my mom got drunk and told me that the man I have called dad for the past 27 years isn't my real father. Oh and don't say anything to him about it. FML
Today, I am home sick with a sinus infection. I had to break up a fight between my two dogs over who got to chew on my snotty tissue. FML
Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML
Today, I'm sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, the dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML
Today, I was sewing a top. Due to a mistake, I had to unstitch the zipper and resew it. When I was almost done, I noticed that the zipper was upside down. FML
Today, I drove to the beach for an hour to relax before returning to the intense workload of midterms. A kid walking by threw a cracker near me and I was instantly attacked by a group of seagulls. FML
Today, as I was shampooing my hair in the shower, the power went out. Since my house has well water, no power means no water. FML
Today, I had to teach my mother that tampons do not belong in the toilet. FML
Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML
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