SuperDani

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

Knight

Today, I walked my girlfriend home. As I kissed her goodbye, I heard a high-pitched scream and turned just in time to see her little brother charge head-first into my nuts. All because I kissed her on the cheek. FML

Sorry

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

Today, I got fired for being late. Apparently you're supposed to be on time after your boss specifically tells you that the office will open an hour late. FML

Today, in my marketing class, we were categorizing musical groups by their age group. Someone asked, "What's a Beatle?" As in "The Beatles". FML

Close to the edge

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

A shooting waiting to happen

Today, I was once again mistaken for an escaped convict. I live near a women's correctional facility and apparently my nursing scrubs look a lot like their prisoners' uniforms. The cop made me late for work. FML

Today, my mum asked when she's getting grandkids. I had to tell her that, at 21 years-old, I hadn't even managed to get a boyfriend yet. FML

Today, I donated a dollar to a kids charity at Lowe's. The cashier handed me a star to sign my name, I signed it and gave it back to her. She looked at me with disgust and asked what was wrong with me. I had to pull out my license to prove to her that my name is really Michael Myers. FML

Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML

Today, a crazy homeless guy got angry because I wouldn't sell him a bottle of vodka at half price. He got so irrationally mad, he put his fingers down his throat, and threw up on my checkout counter. FML

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

Today, I had to attend a meeting with my parents, my teacher, and my bully and his parents. When we started, my bully "broke down" and "tearfully" told the teacher that I was the one bullying him, and that he was getting blamed to cover it all up. They believed him. FML

Today, I really had to pee during one of my college lectures. I finally worked up the nerve to leave the room while he was lecturing, and ran frantically to the bathroom. Once in there, the urge intensified to the point I couldn't hold it. I peed my pants while standing in the bathroom. FML

Today, despite being over-qualified, I was turned down for a job because my fiancé works in a different dept/building of the same company. This is a really small town. If knowing existing employees is going to be an automatic disqualification, I'm going to have to move or commute 2 hours a day. FML

Today, my dad thought it was perfectly acceptable to ask my girlfriend how many guys she screwed before me. FML

Today, I introduced my kind and amazing Iranian boyfriend to my mother. When he went to use the rest room, she warned me to "knock it off with this Bin Laden fetish" or she'll have me put on psychiatric hold. FML

Today, we were notified that our office will be relocated. Employees can tag along but their wages will not be adjusted accordingly. The cost of living at the new place is way higher. I have to finish my contract and really can't afford to not have a job right now. FML

Today, I spent all day doing a project for myself and then for a friend who's sick. Turned out it was a prank everyone in the class was pulling on me. I missed a baseball game because of it. FML

Today, it's my 25th birthday and all of the friends who promised they could come had excuses why they couldn't make it. Now I'm at the bar, alone. FML

Early morning noise

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and while half-asleep, muttered, "What time is it? Have the neighbours started drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

Today, my alarm clock, which was set to play a certain radio station didn't go off. Turns out, yesterday was their 10th anniversary and also the end of their station. I didn't wake up to the white noise until 9. The interview I had spent 3 months preparing for was at 7. FML

Today, I went back to my high school for an event with some of my friends, both of which are in relationships. Whilst there we saw our favorite teacher, who hugged us and said, "I heard you have a boyfriend! And so do you!" And then she turned to me and said, "And... And you're doing great things!" FML

Cheers

Today, for my birthday, my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

Today, I called to see if my bridesmaid's dress was ready. They told me it had already been picked up, the bride's mom picked up the dress and got rid of it because she doesn't want me in the wedding. FML

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

Today, it's White Day, a tradition in Japan where men buy gifts for women. A coworker walks in with gifts, hands them out to the local women, explains the holiday to a new guy, and walks out. I'm the only person in our office who didn't get a Valentine's Day or White Day gift. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two months and I are in completely different points in our lives. She ambushed me with ideas of having kids, getting married and being together forever. Currently, my biggest concern is passing the tenth grade. FML

Today, after a lot of complaints from other members, I told an old lady at the gym I work at that she couldn't sit in the sauna naked. She responded by grabbing her boobs and shaking them in my face. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, I noticed that instead of looking at me, he was admiring himself in the mirror. FML