SuperDani

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

Today, I gave my boss two weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

Today, in the class I'm teaching, I assigned my students an essay to complete for homework. One student asked me if I was deducting points for bad spelling. I teach English. FML

Today, I helped my orchestra teacher out and played with a double quartet for a faculty meeting. When it came time to introduce us, he called out the names of the seven other students and then admitted in front of everyone that he'd forgotten my name. I've been one of his top students for 3 years. FML

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

Today, on my second morning at college, I tried to make coffee using my Keurig. I realized after I got back from my shower that I hadn't put a cup under the machine. All 3 drawers of my dresser are now filled with coffee. FML

Today, I tried talking to the very quiet girl in my grade. We were having a conversation when a very hot guy walked into the cafeteria. I said to the girl, "The things I would do for him…" She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "That's my boyfriend." FML

Today, after missing my flight and being stuck on the other side of the globe, I received a call telling me that the "male, neutered" kitten I adopted 7 months ago is now pregnant. FML

Today, I heard from multiple people that my girlfriend called me a dumbass because I apparently sent her "Good Morning" twice. We aren't even three full days into the relationship. FML

For those who work in customer service, we salute you

Today, whilst at work, I was serving a customer when her kid ran up to me and threw up. It was a 10-hour shift, and I was one hour in. FML

Oh no…

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding coming from upstairs. FML

Stay safe in there

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

Today, my boss threw a party for everyone in the office who has a birthday in September. Everyone got a cake with their names on it except me. My birthday is today. FML

Today, I spent a ridiculous amount of time working and reworking a design for a client. Eight hours and many tears later, she sends an email saying, "Let's go with the first design. I liked that one the most." FML

Today, I finished writing my Masters thesis. It's 25,000 words long. I showed it to my tutor, who told me it was completely wrong and that I have to start again from scratch. It's due in two weeks. FML

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

Today, after a month at my new job, my boss fired me because I didn't have enough experience. She hired me with full knowledge of this fact. FML

Today, my dog kept barking at the door, and I jokingly shouted, "Language!" My mom heard and grounded me for yelling at the dog. FML

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

Today, as I was walking up to a urinal I heard a small hiss. I looked up just in time to get an eye full of chemicals from the automatic air freshener. I rinsed my eye out and went back to the urinal. It happened again. FML

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

Health hazard

Today, someone spilled ammonium hydroxide in ethanol solution in the lab, which smells like very concentrated urine. Since the experiment involved Bunsen burners, we couldn't turn on the fans. We had to work in a lab that smelled like Satan's piss for two hours. FML

Rock n roll star

Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band. I decided it would look cool to stand on one of the speakers and sing from there. It did look pretty cool for a bit until I tried to step off and fell face-first on the floor mid-song. FML

Today, it was my 21st birthday and I invited a handful of my best friends over. They all stood me up and I drank alone in my apartment. Happy birthday to me. FML

Panic!

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML