CrazyOldSoldier

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

It's not what you think

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

Delusional

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year-old man with a beer belly. FML