ArcticDead

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

Today, I wound up cleaning vomit out of the window track of my car at midnight, in the nicest dress I own, after my husband got completely wasted at his office Christmas party. FML

Today, I got my first driving lesson from my dad. We traded seats, I started the car and his entire lesson was, "Go." FML

Embarrassing little secret

Today, my boyfriend forced me to climb out through his window, because he was too embarrassed at the thought of his roommate finding out I'd spent the night. FML

Do you remember the first time?

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were talking about childhood memories. He told me about a girl he used to make fun of in middle school. That was me. FML

Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML

Today, I went to the pool with my new white bathers. I felt really good about myself because everyone was staring at me until this hot guy came up to me and said "Dude, your bathers are see-through. You need to shave!" FML

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

Grossed out

Today, my coworker friend told me she was going to the restroom. Soon after, I did the same. Once in the stall, I could smell a stench emanating from the next one. I yelled, "Ew, you stinky bitch" and sprayed air freshener under the partition. As I left the stall, my friend walked into the restroom. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in The Bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got into trouble with his mother for me still being at their house at 1:00 am. I'm 24, he's 22 and we really were studying. FML

Advent calendar time!

Today, I was out selling Christmas-themed calendars for charity door-to-door. I rang a doorbell and a wild-eyed man appeared at the door, shouted about being "on nights" and that I'd woken him up, called me a "bell end", threw a newspaper at me and slammed the door in my face. FML

Today, while having dinner with my boyfriend's family, his mom told me that it looks like I've gained quite some weight. When my boyfriend told her that this was a rude thing to say, she said it wasn't rude, just the truth. FML

Today, it was my first day at work as a waitress. The day ended with me owing my employers money, after I accidentally smashed an expensive bottle of wine on the floor. FML

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

Today, my dad walked in on me using the bathroom. After rushing out, he yelled at me through the door for not locking it. He made up the "no locking the doors inside the house" rule. FML

Merry McXmas

Today, I found out that I'm working on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I'm spending my favourite time of the year working for $8.70 an hour. At McDonald's. FML

Today, I fell off a ladder while building a shelter for one of my wife's horses. I think I broke some ribs. I absolutely hate horses. FML

Today, I noticed my 5-gallon glass vase/aquarium was leaking at the base. When I went to move the vase so I could transfer everything to a new aquarium, the bottom completely detached, sending water, sand, sea shells and fish crap everywhere. FML

Back on the wagon

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

Today, I called in sick at work because I have the flu. This is my first sick day in the 2 years I've worked there. It's also the day the CEO made a surprise visit. My co-workers all got generous salary increases, and some of them promotions. I'm not included, simply because I wasn't there. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

Today, as part of my job as a performer, I had to show off my skills with a switchblade in front of an audience. A kid shot a rubber band at me. I then needed stitches. FML