philosophyfail

Fair enough

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said, "I was thinking McDonald's." FML

Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

Today, I woke up to find my cat has gone into heat. Her favorite thing to do right now is sticking her ass in my face and howling like a Nazgûl. FML

Stay out of it

Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML

Captain Jack

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML

Thanks, auntie

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

Today, as I was riding my bike, my foot slipped and I did a slow speed-tumble over the top, ripping my balls wide open. Number of stitches: too many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. FML

Today, at the water park, my grandmother's boob slipped out. Every time I close my eyes, I see her dangling breast in my mind. FML

Horndog

Today, I had to bail my boyfriend out of jail. He got arrested because he was tugging his man-meat in the drive-thru at a McDonald's. FML

Nice guys

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I was pretty upset, so one of my guy friends offered to comfort me and get some ice cream. Apparently his definition of "comforting" is to feel my tits and try to get me to give him head. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

Scary

Today, I realized how much I hate my girlfriend, when I got excited as the doctor told me I should refrain from having sex for the next two months. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

Where on Earth do you work?

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

Today, I was playing with my vibrator. I was getting close when all of a sudden it short-circuited and made a sound like a laughing clown, scaring me half to death. FML

Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML

Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML

Very strange behavior

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Right as she orgasmed, she screamed out Megatron's name. When I later confronted her about this, she said that she always had a crush on him and wanted to be queen of the Decepticons. I've been dating this lunatic for a year and half now. FML

Big kid

Today, I told my husband that I'm tired of feeling like his "blow-up doll". His response was to honk my boob and make squeaking noises. FML

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

Today, I woke up to the sound of my neighbor pleasuring himself. FML

Today, I found a Justin Bieber shrine in my daughter's closet. FML

Today, I asked a girl I like to the movies. Wanting her to lean on me and stay in my arms during the movie, I chose a horror film. I screamed like a pussy the whole time. FML