Dimaranien

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML

Today, my refrigerator defrosted itself. FML

Today, I farted A LOT during an exam, all silent, so I figured I should be OK. Then I looked around and everybody was suffocating and giving me sly looks. I'm now known to everyone in the department as SuperFart. FML

Walked into that one

Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said, "Oh, and now you look more handsome." FML

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

Self improvement

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

Caught off guard

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

Today, I had an important appointment for a job. During the interview, my cellphone rang. My ringtone is "Denver, the last Dinosaur". FML

Good boy

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the ass. FML

Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

Today, I bought myself an MP3 player. Later, I was laying in bed, listening to music and eating a bowl of cereal, when I went to move the bowl of cereal on the bedside table for some shut eye. I dropped my MP3 player into the leftover milk. FML

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

Today, my neighbor turned down his loud music that he's been playing for months, only to turn on a porn movie at maximum volume. FML

Sorry to burst your bubble

Today, we had the (great?) idea of having sex on a bean bag before my roomate got back home. Result: thousands of small polystyrene balls all over the living room. And no, they can't be picked up in 30 minutes. FML

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

Today, after numerous attempts, my car door still wouldn't unlock. After going ballistic on the lock, the key broke off inside. I then realized it wasn't my car. FML

Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, when along comes a sweet old lady who says: "it's not flowers she wants, it's some lovin'!". The elderly sure aren't what they used to be. FML

Heimlich

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

Today, my boyfriend was laying down on top of me and he was looking at me with passion in his eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me that he loved me. Instead, he said, "You have a booger." FML

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

You're one to talk

Today, my son laughed at me when I tried to get him to put a bit more effort into his schoolwork. Turns out his grandmother had showed him all my shitty school reports from when I was his age. FML

Today, I cut my nice and tasty home-made sandwich in half to give to a homeless man. He tasted it, pulled an unimpressed face, and then stuck it in his pocket. FML

Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML