Mademoiselle Granite Falls, United States of America 33 ans
Today, I went jet skiing with my girlfriend of four years. I intended to propose to her. The $2000 ring fell out of my pocket and into the lake. I have no idea where it is. FML
Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML
Today, I was at work on a smoke break. I work at a truck stop, and it was around 2 a.m. Some old man pulled in and asked me if I would like to join him for some dinner. I said no, and told him I was working. He replied, "How much do you charge?" Apparently, even in sweats I look like a hooker. FML
Today, my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat. Being in the moment we didn't notice the car moving. We DID notice the pole that stopped us though. FML
Today, I found out everybody at work thinks I'm a lesbian because they thought my boyfriend was a girl. FML
Today, I found out that my parents like rough sex. I found the whip and handcuffs. FML
Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML
Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML
Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, 'I don't know which one is better to watch.' FML
Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML
Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back, and lying about where he was was, out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML
Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML
Today, I lost the remote control to my TV. I can't change the channel manually on it, and the channel it's stuck on is currently playing an infomercial for the Pos-T-Vac penis pump. I've been watching this for an hour now. I'm a female, and I'm beginning to feel like I need this product. FML
Today, I bought a personalized cookie cake with "Will you go out with me?" for the girl I've liked for five months. When I showed her, she said no, but took the cake with her anyway. FML
Today, I was getting frisky with my fiancée when she started talking about her dead great-grandma. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mix CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mix CD in the trash. FML
Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML
Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML
Today, I discovered my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I've had in the last year. FML
Today, I was on an airplane that was experiencing some turbulence. Feeling anxious, I reached over and grabbed my husband's hand for comfort. He then said, "Why are you scared of dying? You're not even pretty." FML
Today, I was having a romantic conversation with my boyfriend under the stars. He said, "You know how there are people who are beautiful on the inside and people who are beautiful on the outside? Yeah, well you're one of those 'inside' people." FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making fun of a photo album on Facebook containing pictures of two friends who just got engaged. I jokingly asked her to marry me. She said yes. We have been dating for two months. She's not in on the joke. FML
Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML
Today, my fiancé proposed to me. I was really excited until he asked, "Can we go halfsies on the ring?" FML
Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said, "Good." FML
Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML
Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had cheated on me with a minor. She's claiming it was rape and is going to put him in jail. He asked me to help him pay for his attorney. FML
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