EsperEmpress

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for a while. I shaved my legs and armpits and wore a short dress. It wasn't until I got to the meeting that I noticed I only shaved one of my legs. FML

Today, my mother was watching me play Pokémon. She walked over to the TV and pulled the plug before ranting about how shameful it is that her 17 year old daughter plays Pokémon. She then sat down at the computer and started playing Farmville. FML

Drunk twit

Today, I learned if you've slept with your soon to be step-brother, you should tell your family. If you don't, he may blurt it out while drunk at a family barbecue. FML

Today, I wrapped my boyfriend's Christmas presents for him, because he was too lazy to do it himself. This included my own present. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because I'm too "high maintenance" during the holidays. Not to worry, though; he's willing give me another chance sometime after Valentine's day. FML

Today, I just finished nearly a year of muscle-building in order to impress my crush. Turns out she doesn't date fit guys, because "they're all jerks". FML

Holes

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

Manage your expectations

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML

The struggle is real

Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was "really his own best friend." FML

Today, I had to drive my girlfriend to the hospital because she had a severe allergic reaction to the flowers I brought her. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML

Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said, "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML

Slimed

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

Today, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night, crying. When I asked her why, she said that she had a dream where we were getting married. FML

Today, I was bombarded with pictures of my little sister's Christmas present. It was a huge engagement ring. I got broken up with in public on Christmas eve. FML

Morality?

Today, my mother got incredibly drunk. She told me that only "sluts and whores" shave their pubes. She then told me that she's never once trimmed or shaved her pubes, because she's "moral." Thanks for that mental image, mom. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend on the way to the hospital to tell him I needed stitches, after my brother's dog bit me on the breast. His response? "Pics or it didn't happen." FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML

Bad timing

Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

Today, I was having 'goodbye' sex with my boyfriend. Now for the next four months he's going to remember our last time as the one where I farted and couldn't stop laughing. FML