EsperEmpress

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

Today, my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldn't make it to the date I had planned tonight. Her reason? "I sense something horrible is going to happen." I was planning to propose. FML

Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said, "I'm cheap and I'm easy." FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML

Today, my ex boyfriend apologized for being a jerk to me and threatening our relationship. When he was done, he asked if his apology earned him enough points for a blowjob. FML

Shut up

Today, my boyfriend's mother who lives with us decided that since I work from home, it would be a good idea for her to stay home and keep me company. "Keeping me company" includes ordering me to make her food, gossiping non stop, and ridiculing me for not being the woman that she always saw her son marrying. FML

Today, I found out I have a huge infected boil on my vagina. The worst part was that I wasn't the one to discover this. My boyfriend was. FML

Romantic

Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML

The truth

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

Whatcha do when they come for you?

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML

Today, my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. FML

Today, I was driving to a blind date my friend set me up on. Feeling pretty excited, I started singing to Katy Perry. I look over to see a man laughing at me, I flipped him the bird and drove off. Little did I know, he was my date. FML

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

Today, one week after my girlfriend berated me for not being invested enough in our relationship, I proposed to her. Her answer? "I meant give me an orgasm, not a ring!" FML

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. FML

Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML

Today, I had to tell my boyfriend to stop inviting his mother on our dates. FML

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

Today, I spent all day preparing a big, elaborate Italian dinner for my boyfriend, who recently discovered he was part Italian. He came home, turned up his nose and said "I was in the mood for Chinese". FML

Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML

Unwarranted

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML