Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML
Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML
Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML
Today, I drove the width of the country to tell the girl I've lost that I'm in love with her. She wasn't home. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML
Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML
Today, I was at Walmart with my mom when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML
Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML
Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time." He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML
Today, after searching for a job for over a year now, I finally got an interview. The pressure made me so nervous that I passed out in the middle of it. FML
Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML
Today, I finally started my dream job. I turned up for work with a huge smile on my face. Imagine how much my face dropped when I saw that I had to share an office with the girl I stood up last weekend. FML
Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML
Today, my dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "Mom." I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me "something nice." FML
Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML
Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML
Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML
Today, while all the other marines got to fly around the island on a helicopter, I got stuck on gear guard. What was I guarding? The staff sergeant's parking spot. FML
Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML
Today, while I was mowing the lawn in my backyard, I ran over a glass bottle. My legs looked like a disco ball. FML
Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML
Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML
Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML
Today, my boyfriend convinced me to sneak out. As I was climbing out of my 3rd floor window, he got a text and moved the ladder. Now I'm in the hospital with two broken ribs. FML
Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML
Today, it was the last day of school. My students shared what they thought of me. Expecting to hear wonderful things, all of their complaints can be summed up in a few words: I'm a liar, a killer of dreams, I need to grow up, and I was a big disappointment to them. I'm a first-year teacher. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML
Today, the elevator in my apartment building broke down. I live on the 30th floor and am still climbing the stairs. FML
Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML
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