Monsieur Célibataire
Today, my ex-husband came to pick up our two kids for his weekend with them. Seeing his new girlfriend was in the car, and desperate for conversation, I asked her name. My kids unhesitatingly blurted out, "Mom". FML
Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML
Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML
Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML
Today, my crazily elitist parents were so desperate to get me to dump my fiancé that they threatened to divorce if I didn't. When I told them to go ahead, they bitched me out for being disrespectful. FML
Today, I was feeling really depressed and ended up asking my mom why guys aren't interested in me. She replied with a laundry list of reasons, including, "Hair. Boobs. Face. Everything." FML
Today, I walked in on my brother shaving his nuts, all while giggling like a maniac and seemingly high out of his mind. FML
Today, my biology professor was giving a lecture to everyone and used me as an example. For what? Traits men are repulsed by in potential mates. FML
Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML
Today, I was at the sandwich shop I work in. A customer came in and requested an assorted sub. As I finished putting on the sauces, I looked up to see the customer's face set in horror. Apparently I didn't notice that I licked my fingers clean after getting some mayonnaise on them. FML
Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML
Today, I met a cute guy, and everything went great. After a while, he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Now he won't stop texting me, asking for pictures of my toes. FML
Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML
Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML
Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML
Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML
Today, not even a week after I was laid off from my job, I got a call from my old boss. He offered me a "new" job at the company, which turned out to be just like my old one, but with drastically reduced pay. I'm so broke and desperate that I accepted. FML
Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML
Today, my dad and I got into an argument. When I was proven wrong, he said, "Good job, genius." I shot back the first thing that popped into my head, which was "I am NOT a genius!" He laughed and says that if I die before him, he's having that engraved on my tombstone. FML
Today, I was out drinking with some colleagues, when one started ranting about some pretty sensitive subjects. There were some Latino guys nearby, and as soon as he said "I'm not racist, but..." I tried to casually get the hell out of there. We all got the crap beaten out of us anyway. FML
Today, I bought my niece a plush My Little Pony figure for her birthday. Only after she unwrapped it did I realize that it was meant to be a sex toy for grown men. FML
Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML
Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend four months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML
Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML
Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML
Today, I am on vacation in Dubai with my dad and a few of his friends. I thought we were going to travel and see some amazing things, but I'm confined to my hotel room while everyone drinks and watches Family Guy. FML
Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML
Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. My date took one look at me and said pityingly, "Stuffed your bra, didn't ya? Seriously, why even bother?" The douche then started trying to lecture me on "false advertising". FML
Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML
Today, my girlfriend informed me that during the night, I shot up in bed and whimpered tearfully, "I don't have anything for the fancy-dress!" She also decided to share this with all our friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML
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