monkeyluvz

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

Very funny, Dad

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

Today, while all the other marines got to fly around the island on a helicopter, I got stuck on gear guard. What was I guarding? The staff sergeant's parking spot. FML

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

Run for the hills!

Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML

Bruh…

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML

Classy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML

Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with, "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend had been encouraging me to send him 'personal' videos was so he could sell them online to porn websites. FML

Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML

Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML

Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

Today, my mother won't give me any painkillers for my migraine. She believes that "When medicine goes into your stomach, the acids stop the medicine from working" and that "It's all in people's heads when medicine works". FML

Response times

Today, after ordering pizza, I heard some strange noises coming from my basement so I called the cops. The pizza came fifteen minutes before the cops. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

TMI!!

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said, "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML

Right, Imma head out

Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML