Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our one year anniversary because "He knew I liked them." He has no idea why I am so upset. FML
Today, my friend accidentally left her Facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her Facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML
Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML
Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML
Today, my 8 year-old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML
Today, I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 with my boyfriend. In hopes of him putting his arm around me or holding my hand, I told him that I was very scared and pretended to cry a little. He told me to be quiet because I was ruining the movie for him. Then he moved seats. FML
Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high-pitched voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML
Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML
Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML
Today, I sprained my knee while going down on one knee to propose to my girlfriend. She laughed as I rolled in pain. I still haven't gotten an answer. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML
Today, I was helping some friends put supplies in my crush's car for our picnic. His girlfriend cracked a joke about me, so I just sarcastically laughed and slammed the door shut. Now she has three broken fingers, and I have a reputation as a psychopath. FML
Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the, "I know I'm not your mother…" speech. FML
Today, my boyfriend got upset after I politely asked him to do the laundry. He takes every chance he gets to act macho and brag to people about how he's in the Marines, but apparently he is too much of a pussy to act like a man and clean his own clothes. FML
Today, at my job as a waitress, I fell, landed on my ass, managing not to spill the drinks or drop the food in my hands. A little boy yelled, "NINJA WAITRESS!" Everyone at work has been calling me that all day, and purposely been trying to trip me to see if I could do it again. FML
Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML
Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML
Today, my coworker told me I should stop smoking cigarettes because it makes my breath "smell like shit" and makes my teeth look as yellow as corn. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. FML
Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML
Today, my teenage daughter nearly burned down our house because she wanted to take "artsy" pictures with a lighter for Instagram. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband making out with his accountant, the same woman who comforted me when he cheated on me the year before. FML
Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML
Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML
Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was, "God forbid a maxed-out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML
Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML
Today, my neighbor knocked on my door to borrow my laundry room key. He was bare-ass naked. When I refused to open the door, he tried to break it down. I had to call the police before he would leave. FML
Today, a girl I met recently asked if I wanted to go jogging with her, and I excitedly agreed. A while into our run, I ran out of breath and doubled over panting, all while she kept jogging and slowly disappeared down the street. What a way to spend time together. FML
Today, while arguing with my newly ex-girlfriend over how she cheated on me with a mutual friend, she tried to wash her hands of any guilt, saying that I was "selfish" and "just slut-shaming, really". FML
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