Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML
Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML
Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML
Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the second floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the fifth press that I realized we were already on the second floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML
Today, I met a guy that I liked. We really hit it off, that is until his parents walked by and he started begging them, down on his hands and knees, to buy him a new video game. FML
Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML
Today, I was supposed to present a speech on diabetes. The girl who went first chose the same subject, knowing I'm diabetic and that it was my topic. I went last, so I had to change half of my speech on the spot. I sounded ignorant about my own illness. FML
Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML
Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML
Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML
Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML
Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML
Today, I found out that the reason I'm working as a kitchen staff instead of out on the floor of the café is because the boss does not think I'm attractive enough. My boss is my brother. FML
Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML
Today, at work, there is a rumor going around that I'm gay. Somewhat curious at how did this start, I asked a co-worker. He said I was seen 3 days ago at a mall holding hands with someone who looks like a guy from behind. Three days ago, I was at the mall with my girlfriend. FML
Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friend's house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML
Today, I have a huge meeting with the big executives of the company I work at. I have to be there in 10 minutes. I'm stuck on the toilet with the runs because I thought it would be a good idea to eat hot chicken wings last night. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML
Today, in art class, everybody was showing the paintings that we have been working on for weeks. Everyone was cheering and clapping. When mine came up, nobody clapped. FML
Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML
Today, I discovered the piggy bank I made a Facebook account for has more friends than me. It has 12. FML
Today, at my cousin's baby shower, there was a discussion on what to name the baby. When the name Jacqueline was brought up, I made a face and exclaimed, "Ugh, I hate that name!" I was then informed that's the name of my cousin's mother-in-law. She definitely heard me. FML
Today, I found out that a street performer makes more money than I do. I have a full time job at the bank. FML
Today, my family went to a football game. It was a little cold, but then it started to rain. I wasn't dressed for rain and I'd left my umbrella in the car. My dad wouldn't let us leave our seats for the whole game. FML
Today, my girlfriend fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. She also had a bruise on her leg due to her friend biting her. I spent the night in the hospital to be there for her and support her, but I should have expected that the nurses would treat me like a criminal. FML
Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML
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