Today, while playing soccer, I was kicked so hard in the shin that my tibia snapped. The snap was so loud that even the audience heard. As we waited for an ambulance, my mom started yelling for me to get off the field so the game could continue. FML
Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML
Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to say to my boyfriend that I feel invisible and ignored. To this he said 'You aren't invisible, I mean, look at that nose.' FML
Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML
Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML
Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML
Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML
Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML
Today, I was so hungover, I started yelling at inanimate objects. My mom walked in on me calling my cereal a "worthless piece of shit sent from the bowels of Hell." FML
Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML
Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML
Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML
Today, the shy girl in my class brought a cake to share with everyone, since it's her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "Happy Birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class knew her name, myself included. FML
Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML
Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML
Today, I was pulled over by the police. The cop was my ex-boyfriend. He had no legitimate reason to pull me over, so he thoroughly checked my car. He gave me a defect notice and a fine. What for? A broken door lock, on my rear passenger door. FML
Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML
Today, I saw my upstairs neighbor outside getting the mail. She asked how my day was, and then apologized that the sound of her baby's crying through the walls kept me up last night. Apparently she heard me when I yelled at 2am for her fucking demon spawn to shut up. FML
Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML
Today, my husband bought a new 80-inch TV. Not only can we barely afford it, but it also blocks our doorways no matter where we put it. He refuses to return it. FML
Today, I was walking to the kitchen in the dark. Something caught my eye and I turned to see a man standing in the corner, clear as day. I jumped and closed my eyes for a split second. When I opened them, he was nowhere to be seen. I'm now terrified to live in my own home. FML
Today, I learned that my hairdo must look like a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML
Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML
Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML
Today, I accidentally kicked a can and it hit a man's shoe. He tried to kick it at me but his foot somehow failed to connect with the can. I could hear it rattling behind me as he failed again and again. So he decided to run up behind me and throw it at my head. FML
Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML
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