Vxntage

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

Late bloomer

Today, I learned that the girl I love thinks I'm gay. To be honest, I'm having doubts too. FML

Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML

Today, I learnt that the girl with whom I've being going out for 6 months has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

Today, I found the password to my boyfriend's MSN account. I was listed in the "booty call" category. FML

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

Today, my daughter used the kids potty chair on her own for the first time. Bad: The bucket was not in it so poo hit the floor. Good: she tried to clean it... Bad: with her socks. Good: she decided to clean the socks. Bad: she used the wall. Good: she finally called dad. FML

Good one, lady

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML

Shaky

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

Today, I went to an elementary school for volunteer work. I was asked to read to a group of kids during one of the classes. Before I started reading, a girl raised her hand and asked me if I had a boyfriend and if I was single. I asked her why and she said "My daddy wanted to know." I'm 16. FML

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML

Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML

Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

MVP

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML

Independance day

Today, a crying kid was brought to my attention by a customer. He was so upset from losing his mom that he couldn't say his or his mom's name. I took him around the store asking him to point out his mom. Once we'd found her she told me, "I was hiding from my kid to test his independence." FML

Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML

Today, I got fired from my recently acquired job at a doctor's office because I don't "agree with family values". The way I'm disrespecting their "family values"? I'm gay. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because 'I look like his hamster when I'm eating sunflower seeds.' FML

Bless

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML