mmodified

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

Cursed media

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

Movie night

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

Love is love

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor… and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

Promise

Today, my dad gave me a promise ring on my one-year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait until marriage. Four hours later, he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

Really into it

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she started moaning and breathing heavily. I thought she was getting hot and was about to cum. Unfortunetly, she soon said, "I'm bored, let's play a board game." She was sighing, not moaning. FML

Nobody's fooled

Today, I was completely naked in my boyfriend's bed. Suddenly his mom yelled that she was coming in so that she could get to the attic. I pulled a blanket up to my neck, hoping she would think I was just cold. She had to step over my bra and panties on her way to the attic. FML

Awkward

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, looked at me, and said, "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

Today, I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. An elderly, blind woman was having sex at her senior's home. I don't know what's worse, watching an hour-long documentary on this, or the fact that these women are having way more sex than I am. FML

Hello Zoe

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and started knocking on his door, asking, "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answered, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's." FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokémon game. FML

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML

Today, I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. Everything was going great, until I tasted it. It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. It had expired 3 years ago. FML

Busted

Today, I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there." There was a long awkward silence. FML

Today, I called my mom to tell her that I finally got my period. There was an awkward pause. She was at work. I was on speakerphone. FML

Today, I tried having intercourse with my boyfriend, and about 30 seconds in, I heard flipping. He was looking at a porn magazine. "It's to keep my erection" he answered. FML

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

Instructions

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "What do I do now?" FML

Today, I left for vacation in Mexico. Upon landing, I received a text message from the guy I've been seeing. It read, "Sorry, I'm not boyfriend material. Have a good trip." I paid 75 cents to get dumped, internationally. FML