KwtWaffles

Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

Today, while walking to class enjoying the warmer weather, a bee flew down my shirt. I'm allergic to bees so I freaked out and started ripping my clothes off. By the time I was done, I was half naked and there was no bee in sight. Turns out, it was the string on my jacket hood. FML

Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML

Favoritism

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere, I said, "You're my favorite!" Now I'm sitting here, talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

Panic!

Today, I was at the doctor and I had to get a fingerstick in the lab to get blood drawn. There was a 6 year-old boy waiting to go next. He was terrified. His mother told him to, "Watch this brave girl go first." I panicked and began to hyperventilate. The kid fainted. FML

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

Today, I was lying in bed minding my own business when my mom entered the room. I was proposed to a few weeks ago by my boyfriend, and my mom came in to tell me that my boyfriend's mom was on the phone. Turns out, he stole the engagement ring from her drawer. FML

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

Precaution

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for coming inside her because she didn't want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

Mommy milk time

Today, I saw a woman breastfeeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years-old. FML

Peek a boo

Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML

Today, one of my year 9 students finished the test an hour early. He decided to spend the time by "stealthily" whacking off. His entire desk was shaking in a silent room. FML

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

Today, I complimented a guy on his beard. His response? "Thanks. Wanna sit on it?" FML

Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an in-class exam. I opened the screen, and loud porn started to auto-play. The silence in the class was deafening as I tried to make it stop. FML

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML

RIP little guy

Today, my pet bunny died. My little sister is distraught and practically suicidal, because apparently she playfully pointed a wand at it a few days ago and said, "Avada kedavra!" She's absolutely convinced that she killed it. FML

Today, my son got in trouble at school. The kids had to solve a problem by determining whether it was better for "Edna" to repair or replace her AC unit. He said Edna is an "old person's name" and she was "probably going to die soon anyway", so she shouldn't do either. FML

Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I take that long. FML

Today, I took out my old hairdryer and turned it on. I then gave my roommate a show as I ran out of the bathroom, naked and screaming, after a spider was blasted out of the hairdryer and directly at my face. FML

Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML

New management

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss's new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off." She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

Today, I slept on the plane ride home and had a scary nightmare. I started screaming in my dream, so loud that it shocked the old lady sitting next to me into screaming as well. The whole plane began laughing as we were both screaming. FML

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Today, I went to my son's school soccer game. Unfortunately, I couldn't get excited about it because my idiot son kept diving the moment anyone so much as breathed on him. It eventually earned him a penalty shot that won him the game. I was so ashamed, I snuck out to avoid being seen with him. FML